I watch you sleep there next to me		D Dsus4 D 
The hard lines on your face are softened	D Dsus4 D	 
I gently sigh and wonder about our future 	D Dsus4 D 
Specifically whether I'll escape this coffin,	D Dsus4 D 
Saw through these handcuffs			Bm	 
And call the police off-			A 
icers, before it's too late			G Bb 
Not to die on this date				D 

I placed an ad: Sexy scientist seeks Mr. Right				D 
For romantic walks on the beach and labwork late in to the night	D  A 
Replies so far: Doctors Evil, Wrong, No, and Claw			E 
I don't wish to stereotype but I do not detect a respect for the law	E  B 
There must be something wrong with how I am communicating		D  A 
I hate to quit, but this is it for me and online dating			D  A  A7 

When I hoped we'd have chemistry		D Dsus4 D 
That was a metaphor, not a request		D Dsus4 D 
For a formic acid martini			D Dsus4 D 
I want a lover, not a litmus test		D Dsus4 (D)
As I prepared to meet you, 			Bm 
I hoped that you'd be sweet, but		A		 
You're just another asshole			G Bb 
Living in a haunted castle			D	 

Why'd I ever
Place an ad... 

So girls if you meet a man who			D Dsus4 D 
Seems sweet but has a name for his chainsaw	D Dsus4 D 
Tell him the two of you are through		D Dsus4 D 
He probably wants to take your brains out	D Dsus4 D 
He'll only break your heart			Bm 
Like, literally, break your heart		A 
So avoid a night of terror,			G Bb 
And do not repeat my error 			D 

And place an ad...

Well, maybe one more try...			D