Lost my job at the paper (The Evening Times-Slander)		Cm  G
And it seems people don't want to hire a crook			G  Cm
But I finally found someone with low enough standards:		Cm  G
Mad Scientist urgently seeks live-in cook			G  Cm G Cm
(evil laugh)

He says I must hunch and say "Master!" with deference		Cm  G
But I can't be too picky when money's this tight		G  Cm
And I'm pretty sure he won't be calling my reference		Cm  G
And I get all day off 'cause he only works nights		G  Cm G Cm

Now, the kitchen equipment is somewhat unorthodox		Cm  G
There's lava and hydrogen gas in the taps			G  Cm
There are blackmarket kidneys and hearts in the icebox 		Cm  G
It's not like back home - but I've learned to adapt!		G  Cm G Cm

I make eye of newt and tail of adder			C  F
flame broiled on a jacob's ladder			G  C
I bring my stews to a rolling boil			C  F
In a saucepan on a tesla coil				G  G7
My bunsen burner's gentle rays				C  F
Warm my goat's blood hollandaise			G  C
When I'm in a rush I look in				C  F 
Lovecraft's guide to microwave cooking			G  G7
(Ah, the nuke-ronomicon! Chapter 1: Tapioca.)

This job isn't perfect; I'm paid in gold fillings		Cm  G
The blood-spattered labcoat is not quite my size		G  Cm
I'd prefer a métier with less ritual killing			Cm  G
But quitting involves my untimely demise			G  Cm G Cm
(I don't wanna be the clapped-in-irons chef!)

So I serve zombie wine from haunted casks		C  F
in frosty erlyn-meyer flasks				G  C
Cheese fondue for Frankenstein's munster		C  F
Poison brew for incurable punsters			G  G7

Embalming fluid man-fillets		C
Haunted druid canapés			C
Deep-fried school bus			C7
Hummus of homunculus			C7
Uranium coleslaw			F
Chicken à la chain saw			F
Rack of sacrifical lamb			D
Maple-crusted huma--  "ham"		G7  G

It ain't easy to work here but I'm optimistic			Cm  G
That my evil employer will soon come to grief			G  Cm
I don't intend murder, but I read statistics:			Cm  G
Mad scientist lifespans are typically brief			G  Cm G Cm

So when boss summons demons who rightly take umbrage		Cm  G
Or doesn't give lightning its proper respect 			G  Cm
Or carelessly slips as he's crossing the drawbridge		Cm  G
Or gets burned at the stake - I know what to expect.		G  Cm G Cm

For I've secretly copied the vault's combination		Cm  G
I'm ready to empty it, then run away				G  Cm
I'll stop by the dungeon and free all the virgins 		Cm  G
(They'll make great... waitresses)			
And I'm opening my own Mad Science café!			G  Cm G Cm