She was working in the garden when a snickering sound was heard
A crowd of rowdy teens surrounded a figure in the dirt
They pointed and they laughed and said "Who's your tiny friend!"
So she stood up indignantly his honour to defend

This is my gnome, this is my garden gnome
He decorates the yard outside my family home
And if he's broken by you hoodlums in the night
We'll go buy another when I' m done my weedin'

She was stepping off the city bus when a scruffy man said "Wow,"
"Your hair is just so neatly coiffed - I wish that I knew how."
She preened for just a moment, and affixed a knowing smirk
As she pulled her secret weapon from a pocket of her purse

This is my comb, this is my plastic comb
I use to replace any locks that roam
If my hair strays when a wild wind is blowin'
As soon as I get to a mirror it can be re-done

She met a handsome fellow and he came to spend the night
And if you guess they won't be sleeping, well, I'd say that you were right
When the topic of protection reared its ugly head
He pulled out a condom, but she only shook her head

This is my foam, my contraceptive foam
It's the only form of birth control I've ever known
And if it fails, in the dark night alone
Planned Parenthood can tell us what can be done

She looked up from her notebook and let out a heavy sigh
A tear made her mascara smudge as it travelled from her eye
Her classmates rolled their eyes, and trying to conceal their scorn
Said "All right, we'll bite, what mournful thing is it you're working on?"

This is my poem, this is my angsty poem
I'll post it on my blog as soon as I get home
And if I stray in the dark night alone
I'll write fic about it for alt.fan.whedon